Daily Archives: 19/05/2016

Life Through a lens

Self belief is a power weapon against the battle of the bulge, people who don’t really know me think I’m confident ( ha got them fooled) … My confidence comes in waves ( and with a bit of voddy). One moment I will be the epitome of confidence , then next a crisis of confidence has me sat away from the crowd, almost mouse like.  I shared yesterday that I’m a bit emotionally stunted and use my sense of humour as a shield.  At the end of the day though folks I am human… My coach Pom keeps telling me that believe it or not people are impressed by me and often ask him how I’m getting on.  This confuses me , I know anyone reading this might be thinking .. Well you’re writing a blog for attention. I suppose in some ways I am, this is therapy for me , it’s a way of keeping me focused it’s like a very public record of how I’m getting on, the reason it’s public is because once it’s out there you just can’t hide from it.  

I wish sometimes I could see myself through other people’s eyes,

I know you are going to see some negative things , but I believe in human kindness and I truly want to believe that when people see you are trying they respect you.  It’s nice when at the gym somebody comes up to me and says “love your blog” or “you’re doing really well” it’s happened and to those people ( I hope you read this) I want you to know, just those few words lifted me higher than the clouds.  I may not have shown it, to be honest I know I said thank you but have no idea what my body language or face was sayin ( probably sweaty and knackered). I like to think I’m applicable and those little social interactions drive me.

I am guilty of constantly comparing myself to other people and always coming out worse for it. I admire people and all their diversity sometimes I get a little bit envious , I don’t get jealous because I want people to achieve and I’m so happy for them when they do.  I just don’t feel like I achieve as well as other ( dumb right?).

I guess I am an enigma I want to be remarkable and invisible at the same time.. So here is my new mantra ( well at least I’m going to try)

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Flatliners

imageGoing to share something quite personal with you now . As I sit here I am finding it really difficult to put what I want to say into words, so I am going to start with what moved me to write today’s blog.

My day started at my physiotherapist ( Scott Gormley of Shropshire Physiotherapy) small improvements with my knees but not totally pain free which is grinding me down somewhat.  

He is pals with my coach Pom FinishStrong Tutt and I’ve given my permission for them to discuss my progress so far and for the future.  

So Scott is convincing me that I can and should do more on the powermill (Lucifers staircase) and him breaking down has me convinced I can … The door hasn’t even shut behind me and he has shared this information with Pom… I know Pom will be pleased he loves the powermill as a method of torture (and because he knows it’s an effective piece of kit). I do my day at work and trot along to my training session with Pom who is in high spirits.  Half an hour on the Oxtane lateral X machine and Pom heads over to the …. You guessed it powermill…… It can’t be … I was only on the doom machine yesterday… But like a yellow card in a footie match it pointless arguing and up I went.  In my head I am thinking I can do this I can do this and begin, we try a different approach going medium speed for a minute and the slow speed for a minute and with a great deal of effort smash through 14 floor ( whaaaaaaat) I cant breath my calves are burning but I’m a little bit pleased with that …. But then after a recovery few minutes up I go for round two.. As I climb to the top of the machine I beat myself, in my head I am already saying I can’t do this I manage 6 floors then !!!!boom!!! brick wall !!! nothing Pom can say can stop me hitting the stop button and getting back on the floor…..

I’m fighting inside, everything is shutting down my shoulders neck and throat tighten and I feel like I’m going to cry… I can’t let that happen now can I ?

… And here is the share….

I don’t like people to see me cry it makes me feel weak and vulnerable, I don’t even know why I want to cry.  I have spent my life holding in emotions , covering how I’m feeling with laughs and smiles and jokes so nobody can see I’m hurting.  I do cry but this is usually in private, I hide when I want to cry I don’t want to look at anybody or have them look at me.  So here I am stood at the bottom of the powermill Pom doing his sympathy face and trying to get me to ( to use a frozen lyric) “let it go” but all I can do is  “conceal don’t feel don’t let them know”..  This is my issue, I have spent so many years hiding my emotions I have problems showing them, I can’t do excited either I sat and had a think about what excites me… I couldn’t come up with a single thing…. On the plus side it means I’m quite even tempered (I can’t remember the last time I lost it.)  I am sometimes very envious of those feisty folk who can just explode Geordie Shore style. I am emotional I just don’t like to show it in public.  So I flatline… Beep beep beeeeeeeeeeep … I’m calling it.   Can I be resuscitated?..